blessedmaryjane

my blisters on my feet are healing slowly. i still cant walk very well today, but i think i could probably make it further than the mac's, which is as far as i made it yesterday. i dont think i've ever been so incapacitated before. i mean, i suppose when i broke my leg, but my parents were around to do things for me, and now i live alone.

i am almost done school for the year. i dont know how i feel about it. i thought this year would never end.

consumption of Water, a very constant behavior.
it has changed much.

the fabrication of life.
by our very language.
Our brain.
cultural circumstances.
experiences.

pray,
because this is All there is.
rejoice,
because this is All there is.
mourn,
because this is All there is.

Love:
it's all there is.

will You reveal yourself to me?
and be my Grace.
wherefore dost thou weep?
Answer is Not.

Love is platinous
as if an android,
but a hominid,
and myself too.

are we immaculate?
only in the eyes of Jesus.
are we holy?
only in the sight of Wisdom.

how will we make love?
in forms of forms of forms.
Fractal?
or crop circles or faeries or magick,
but mostly Peace.

Live Long and Prosper.
Peace Be with You.
Namaste.
God Bless You.
Tribute to your King.

and
I am comforted by the earth.
Divine formation of Reality.
we humans collect dust and sorrow.
May we shine light on what has made itself from nothing,
give praise to the Angels!
and see what there is beyond money,
or violence,
or cruelty.

Love
is
all
there
is

it is inside...out...

You're feeling: anxious

To your left: prayer room

On your mind: exam

Last meal included: cereal

You sometimes find it hard to: talk

The weather: sunny

Something you have a collection of: frogs

A smell that cheers you up: marijuana

A smell that can ruin your mood: meltedplastic

How long since you last shaved: a few months

The current state of your hair: inabow

The largest item on your desk/workspace (not computer): scanner

Your skill with chopsticks: good

Which section you head for first in a bookstore: science

Something you're craving: chocolate

Your general thoughts on the presidential race: obama=cute

How many times have you been hospitalized this year: none

Favourite place to go for a quiet moment: library

You've always secretly thought you'd be a good: pizzamaker

Something that freaks you out a little: communicabledisease

Something you've eaten too much of lately: fizzy drinks

You have never: scubadived

You never want to: beinfertile

Where is your cell phone? purse

Your significant other? new york

Your hair? brownish

Your mother? jolly

Your father? intelligent

Your favorite thing? food

Your dream last night? fragmentary

Your favorite drink? tea

Your dream/goal? contentment

The room you're in? home

Your ex? intense

Your fear? intolerance

Where do you want to be in 6 years? seminary

Where were you last night? home

What you're not? conventional

Muffins? oooooohyeah

One of your wish list items? SmartCar

Where you grew up? Toronto

The last thing you did? eat

What are you wearing? pyjamas

Your TV? small

Your pets? jarvis

Your computer? godsend

Your life? peaceful

Your mood? indifferent

Missing someone? yes

Your car? none

Something you're not wearing? shoes

Favorite Store? gadabout

Your summer? work

Like someone? yes

Your favorite color? purple

When is the last time you laughed? yesterday

Last time you cried? yesterday

Who will/would re-post this? katie

How I come to find these twirling flickers of a True Reality is beyond me. But every night I step towards it's horizon, and I am accompanied by those trained in lost arts, willing to express to me trails of secrets that by chance, randomly, I have seen.

The way you ask for God's healing, and you receive.

There is a fountain behind everyone, fountains of the divine; different secrets revealing and expressing.

So why do we play these games? Everyone clowning around, apparently loose with delights, without the original connection to their source, they play, play for the chance to make things right, and they try to get everyone else to play the game too, because it becomes more real if more people play--but it is not truly real. I dont know if anything is, except for what occurs when you play only for the enjoyment of the sun, the breeze, love in your arms by running through time and mingling with faeries.

I watched Metropolis the other night and I was truly impressed. I havent been impressed by a movie in a long time. Then I spent all yesterday researching about silent movies. there are several i am planning on finding to watch now.

I made some guacamole, went out for many walks, have been exploding about time and space and dancing my heart out.

also studying for my physical anthropology exam on wednesday.

spring is here and i am reflecting and bouncing back. so many things are different, and i am finding joy in them. austin osman spare was featured on antiques roadshow today, and subsequently, crowley, it was a jolly time, indeed.

the summer is going to involve a lot of missing of school. i dont know what i'll do yet, though i imagine it will be fulfulling, given the circumstances that i am aware of, such as tom coming in may, and having a satisfactory income.

it hurts to be so far, and then so close, and then far. i dont like being involved outside of my own personal relationship with god. i dont like being pulled in, or attempted to be. i dont like people trying to find out how i think, and then when i finally do, they just disagree with me, even though i wasnt trying to make them agree.

i dont like planning, because the world is perfect. i dont like mystery cults or occultism, or religion for that matter, i love the divine and any way that connects me to it, but all the other shit is just labels for something definintive, and therefore, not divine anyway.

i dont like mushing all of the uniqueness into one thing, because the one thing is not here, here are the many, and they are beautiful and distinct.

i dont like revolutions, because evolution is perfect.

i am a little bit angry because of ignorance.

my past may yet haunt others. i am here and loving now. i see my path, i know where my energies are placed, and i have been changing, and it still frightens.

i do not like being separate and i do not like being distant.

i am having divinely inspired dreams, and its very intense...not only at night, but also during naps.

st. patricks day was more katie's birthday than anything, and i had a nice night.

i dont even know what to talk about. i feel without my head.

last night i had a dream where tom and i were gnostic christian apostles and we travelled through time, both into the future and the past. it was so much fun.




i am taking the day to write at least half of the first draft of my essay (the way i see it is that if i get half done today, half tomorrow, then i will have the weekend, plus most of monday to make it even better. so that means 1,250 words today...i think i can do it). breaks will be taken for marijuana usage and eating. ha ha.

my research into the role of women in the early church has been a little bit tiring, because i dont think i am that into women's studies, but it has made me realize that i could really get into theology, which really makes me feel better about the calling and going to divinity school, i can totally deal with studying this kind of thing.

here is something fun for all of you:

HEAVEN ON THEIR MINDS

writing again for school has detracted me from writing for pleasure, but i dont mind, since i think i have dissolved the ambition to *be* a writer, i think it would make me ill with stress. i am writing about the natufian transition to agriculture, and the role of christianity among roman women. woot.

i am going to toronto today, which will be nice, i think...

i am uncomfortable lately because its hard to watch a friend go through tough times, especially if you're part of those tough times. its hard to watch people go through moments in their lives that you cant help them with, even if you wanted to, it would be putting yourself into an unsafe situation. i think its just hard for me to watch people go through hard times and know that i cannot help them. or reach out to them...really anything along those lines.

last night i had another one of my mansion dreams. i sometimes have these dreams that take place in a mansion, and they are really very intellectual and thought-provoking, but i think in this one there was a ghost and i was trying to catch it on film so that this old man would believe me that the mansion was haunted.

school is so close to being done for the year: by this time next month i will only have on exam left. i am really excited for the summer, and for the following school year, mostly because of the courses, but also because i will be the secretary for the trent anthropology society.

OK,
I really don't make a habit of ranting about politics, but I am.  I will keep it short because it's fairly straightforward.

Dear Federal Liberals,

When you decided not to call an election after that half-assed attempt at a budget by the Conservatives, I thought you were being weenies. Now, at least not as big of a weenie that Stephen Harper is, but none the less, I was drastically disappointed, because, I, at least, think that Stephane Dion, if he gets his shit together, might actually make a good Prime Minister. Either way, the fact that you are now dicking around with the Conservatives (which in some ways is very amusing) by creating rumours that you'll call an election now, makes me want to say: YES, CALL ONE, DONT JUST BEAT AROUND THE BUSH. This minority government sucks my balls, and I don't even have balls. You have a good chance of getting out of the opposition, maybe not getting a majority, but fuck, even if you lose...I just want a chance to get this dork of a leader Stephen Harper out of my face and stop tarnishing my country on the world stage and stop whoring out my land's resources to America. Also stop playing footsie with George Bush. Arrest the mad attempts to make our country Right and White. Etc. Etc.

Man, GIVE IT A FUCKING GO. You don't have anything to lose, and everyone that could vote for you thinks you guys are acting like idiots.

From Me.

i am feeling better today. i dont know what did it, but something is just more settled in me...perhaps i realized that it is not the end of the world...


in other news, a few weeks ago, i decided i wanted to see the wonders of the world. here is a list, and i have bolded the ones that have been completed:


The Seven Wonders of the Ancient World (all of which no longer exist, except for the first)

• The Great Pyramid of Giza
• The Hanging Gardens of Babylon
• The Temple of Artemis at Ephesus
• The Statue of Zeus at Olympia
• The Mausoleum at Halicarnassus
• The Colossus of Rhodes
• The Pharos of Alexandria

The Seven Wonders of the Medieval Mind

• Stonehenge
• The Colosseum
• The Catacombs of Kom el Shoqafa
• The Great Wall of China
• The Porcelain Tower of Nanjing
• The Hagia Sophia
• The Leaning Tower of Pisa

The Seven Natural Wonders of the World

• Mount Everest
• The Great Barrier Reef
• The Grand Canyon
• Victoria Falls
• The Harbor of Rio de Janeiro
• Paricutin Volcano
• The Northern Lights

The Seven Wonders of the Modern World

• The Empire State Building
• The Itaipú Dam
• The CN Tower
• The Panama Canal
• The Channel Tunnel
• The North Sea Protection Works
• The Golden Gate Bridge

this week is really not my week at all.

i have suffered from menstrual cramps, loneliness, a D- mark on an assignment I thought I would do alright on, restless sleeping, lack of confidence, general melancholy and a bruised gum. i've been crying every day, sometimes more than once for some purpose that in afterthought seems inane. today it was because i got an email back from the prof that marked said D- assignment and i just felt worse, this morning i cried because i was paranoid and being asked why, yesterday it was because of my menstrual cramps and my empty bed. the day before it was because of that aforementioned D- assignment, the fact that no one was here to hold me through it and that i woke up alone--without man or kitty cat.

i dont mean to complain or make it sound like i have the worst life, because i dont. i am fully aware that my life is more-or-less great, i would even say--its just that i don't often have a week so painful that it is difficult to get up in the morning. feeling like you are going to fail a course, that the prof no longer likes you because you didnt live up to HER expectations...fuck. its all so silly. i dont even know why i am feeling like this. i know i'm more sensitive because i am menstruating, but i dont want to put all the blame on Aunt Flow.

i am really upset about my mark, and that i cant do anything about it, and now i just have no confidence in that class whatsoever, and fear doing terribly on my upcoming seminar...i am really sad that Tom is no longer here, and that i cant do anything about that either, except wait. i've never felt so disturbed by the absence of a person. i dont feel like seeing anyone, and yet, i am so lonely i can hardly bear it.

i dont feel like cooking, but i dont have enough money to eat out, and i dont feel like cleaning, so my house is a mess.

my dad has made me feel like there's no hope for me being financially stable now that i've dropped enviro studies and just focused on anthro. and while in theory, i dont care, and disagree with him, the little kid in me is having a hard time NOT listening to him on this one issue.

blah. i just feel like doing nothing, but i have to make this a good seminar to ensure i dont miserably fail this class. this assignment has really fucked up my energy. the absence of my love has made my heart empty and without feeling. i just want to curl up and sleep under a blanket, but i cant sleep because of this fucking theory my head is working on about brain size and cultural adaptation, and it's just about making me mad.

next week will be better.
maybe even this week will look up starting tomorrow. i hope.

a visit, to find changes have occurred
that there is a new mission to find truth
love flourishes
tenderness enters life
even though we only wade through attics
haphazardly tossed with discarded items
one mans junk
another mans treasure
or so they say
but its true
i've found my treasure
and i'll beat anyone up who thinks
it's junk.

I am moving through ebbs and flows of not only my perception of reality, which I am immensely enjoying, but my emotions as well are doing loops around the sun...and I do mean to suggest that there is some order to it, which it certainly does feel.

I have made a few comfortable realizations, most of which have to do with career options and really "real life" things like that. I dont like thinking about such things, but you have to at some point. I dont want a fall-back, I'd rather live outside of society than do something that is unimportant to me. I havent made any decisions, mostly because at this point, I dont need to.

Emotionally, I have been feeling very blessed in my personal life, since I have a man that I didnt even think could exist, and every day I think I am still dreaming, ALL DAY, because of how amazing I feel. I've never felt this way before, I feel free, and yet also solid, like I have a home base, which I havent felt for my whole life. I am looking forward to when there will not be so many things up in the air; distance can really create interesting problems that you wouldnt normally have.

And my loneliness has put me into some pretty vulnerable situations; last night I cried about Galapagos turtles losing their habitat, and then about water privatization...I was sitting and crying and trying to write it out, but it was very difficult. Speaking of that, writing has been ALL over the place lately. Sometimes I am able to really let it flow, especially when I am just writing down my ideas and my thoughts, but when I try to get started on stories I've been meaning to write for ages, I am stuck, partially because of the pressure I put on myself, and partially because I think a lot of the ideas still need to be fleshed before writing.

I've been exercising (dancing, running, swimming) all week this week--not to lose weight (on the contrary, I am attempting to fatten myself a little), but to keep heart and muscles fit. I wasnt noticing that I was unfit, but its better to remain fit than to try to get fit again after not being fit. As for gaining weight, I am trying to eat high-calorie, high-nutrient meals, but my 15 minute walks to and from the bus stop each day are probably not helping with that given that my metabolism is fairly quick.

Reading week is going to be wonderful, I feel it! Obviously, Tom coming is pretty crucial to reading week being the superb time that is in store, but I also think that it will be a really good break for my mind to be away from school. How, you say, since its supposed to be READING week? I have most of my work done, I've been plowing through my readings and assignments for the last two weeks so I can get them out of the way. My archaeology assignment has been my favourite actually, and I have looked forward to it.

Something feels really good, there is a good air around, changes are abound.

i have been blowing my mind on anthropology and its been tripping me out, my brain is growing and i have a reorganized direction. i feel capable of anything. all of these things have culminated.

reading week is going to save my life.

i am going to UU church today with john. woot. i am really liking being back with the UU.

i've had so many ideas for writing from all of the reading that i have been doing, and i should probably get down to it soon, possibly during reading week, i imagine it will be a creative time.

finally i have my identity back, or rather, feels like it is back under my control. what this means, i do not know, but it is important because i can look at things more or less unhinged.

running feels good in the wintertime.

today i got three awesome books for under ten dollars, two about egypt, one is a book of new kingdom love poems, and the other is an archaeological survey up to the end of the old kingdom, and walden and civil disobedience.

i also was feeling very intense and expressive this morning, and i cut my hair. its like a flapper now.

theres so much going on around me, its very strange, my life feels very happy, but those around me have varying flavour...i dont know what to think about a lot of things, yet i am grateful that there are a few things i feel very solidly about.

the new archaeology prof is really neat.

there is a realm of undying beauty, where there are developments of peace. after millennia of war and destruction, hope emerges from unspoken and nameless rubble. a vision is planted, as if a seed in healthy earth to propagate love, a destiny for humankind, staged emotionally and rehearsed by the means of our very own history. do we have a continuity? is our community connected through time? there is a clarity in our DNA that is yet to be seen, a mountainous effect of endless gestation by every human womb and every human seed that has shared moments, and followed through into creation. mothers, fathers and children are but all one being, miraculously one consciousness stemming unabashedly into the unknown, changing shape and making new lights. the time has come for our human identity to show itself to the universe, our brothers and sisters.

we have nothing to fear, because our destiny is peace. this is in my heart.

my bus ride resulted in little sleep but much positive thinking. i also got to see a mennonite smoke and eat cheetos. that was seriously a sight. new york state is beautiful as always, and i like being in america very much, i feel like i am in touch with roots that i havent gotten to explore much. i plan on spending the next few days doing pretty much whatever i feel like, i dont have a lot of schoolwork to do, though i did bring my microeconomics and archeology textbooks to check out.

i had much more to write about yesterday, though for *some* reason, my anxieties have been lfted and there is nothing around me but pleasnt dreams and inspiring thoughts....


...i wonder why... ; )

strange dreams
stranger life
strangest divine